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Title: Retribution: A Comedy In One Act
Author: Seumas O'Brien [
More Titles by O'Brien]
CHARACTERS
PATCHA CREMIN (nicknamed NAPOLEON) A carpenter
NEDSERS BROPHY (nicknamed BOULANGER) A mason
DANNUX TOUHY (nicknamed THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON) A mason
MRS. FENNESSEY A lodging-house keeper
RETRIBUTION
A COMEDY IN ONE ACT
Scene: Bedroom in a country lodging house. There is
one narrow bed and two chairs in the room, and a picture
of Robert Emmet hangs on the wall. Patcha Cremin is
lying in bed with his head covered. A loud knocking is
heard at the door.
PATCHA
(startled, uncovers his head and looks about him.
The knocking continues)
Who's there?
(Thinking for a moment that he is at
home and that his wife is calling)
Oh, is that you, Ellie?
MRS. FENNESSEY
(from without)
It is not Ellie, then.
PATCHA
(not yet properly awake)
And who is it?
MRS. FENNESSEY
'Tis me.
PATCHA
(angrily)
And who the blazes are you?
MRS. FENNESSEY
Mrs. Fennessey, your landlady.
PATCHA
Oh, yes! Of course, Mrs. Fennessey, excuse me,
ma'am. I thought I was at home and that my wife
was callin' me to get up to go to work.
MRS. FENNESSEY
Are you in bed yet?
PATCHA
I am, ma'am.
MRS. FENNESSEY
When are you going to get up?
PATCHA
Why?
MRS. FENNESSEY
I want to say a few words to you.
PATCHA
I'm not feelin' too well, at all, to-day, and don't
know when I'll be able to get up, ma'am.
MRS. FENNESSEY
Don't you, indeed?
PATCHA
No, I don't, ma'am.
MRS. FENNESSEY
Well then, if you're in bed and covered up, may I come in?
PATCHA
(draws the clothes about him)
You can, ma'am.
MRS. FENNESSEY
(enters, stands in front of the bed and
looks at Patcha)
And might I ask what's the matter with you?
PATCHA
Oh, I don't exactly know, at all. I have a queer
shaky feelin' runnin' down the spine and all over
me. It must be the 'fluenza or maybe appendicitis,
I'm thinkin'.
MRS. FENNESSEY
Well, if that's the case, you'll get up this very instant
and clear out of my house, for I don't want a sick
man on my hands. And you that didn't pay me a
farthin' of rent for this last six weeks.
PATCHA
Didn't I promise to pay you a week over and above
when I'd get a job? And this is the gratitute you're
showin' me now for my kindness.
MRS. FENNESSEY
What a lot of good your promises would do for any
one. I want my rent, and you can keep your promises.
PATCHA
Is it the way you'd be after turnin' a sick man from
your door a cold freezin' day like this? And the snow
thirty inches thick on the Galtee Mountains, and the
air itself nearly frozen hard.
MRS. FENNESSEY
'Tis you're the nice sick man, indeed, with muscles
on you like a statue or a prize fighter, and an appetite
like an elephant. God knows then, you should
be ashamed of yourself for nearly eating me out of
house and home, and I a poor widow dependin' on
the likes of you for a livin.' 'Tis I that wouldn't like
to be the mother of a man such as yourself, God
forgive you!
PATCHA
I'm surprised at a dacent woman like you, Mrs. Fennessey,
to stand there abusin' me for my misfortune
instead of bringin' me up a good warm breakfast to
nourish my wastin' frame, and encourage the good
spirits to come back to my heart.
MRS. FENNESSEY
I'm sick and tired of listenin' to you and your excuses,
but I'm not goin' to listen to them any longer. So
pack up and get out, or if you don't I'll get my brother
Mike to fling you out, and believe me he won't take
long to do it, either.
PATCHA
You're losin' all your dacency, Mrs. Fennessey.
MRS. FENNESSEY
Thank God for it, if I am then! But I'm gettin' back
my good sense, and I won't talk or argue any more
with you.
PATCHA
You should feel ashamed of yourself, Mrs. Fennessey.
MRS. FENNESSEY
Indeed then, I should, for puttin' up with the likes of
you. You've got to be out of this house before twelve
o'clock to-morrow and remember I mean what I say.
[She walks out and slams the door. Patcha sits up in
bed, rearranges the bedclothes, then places his hand under
his chin, and wrinkles his brow. Remains that way
until he is disturbed by a knock at the door]
MRS. FENNESSEY
(opens, and holds the door ajar)
There's a gentleman wants to see you.
PATCHA
Who is he? What is he like, and where does he come
from?
MRS. FENNESSEY
How do I know where he comes from? He wanted to
know if Napoleon lived here and I told him there was
no one livin' here at present but one Patcha Cremin.
Sure, that's who I mean, says he. Are you Napoleon?
PATCHA
Yes, I'm Napoleon.
MRS. FENNESSEY
Glory be to the Lord! What a purty name they got
for you!
PATCHA
Did he say who he was?
MRS. FENNESSEY
He said he was an old friend of yours.
PATCHA
I wonder can it be the Duke of Wellington? Dannux
Touhy, I mean.
MRS. FENNESSEY
Touhy! Touhy! That's the name. Will I send him up?
PATCHA
Do if you please, ma'am.
[Mrs. Fennessey leaves the room, and in a
short time Dannux Touhy enters.]
DANNUX
(as he shakes hands with Patcha)
Well, well! 'Tis real glad that I am to see you. Sure
I didn't expect to find my old friend Napoleon in the
town of Ballinflask this blessed day. And I've heard
that Boulanger is here also. Is that so?
PATCHA
It is so, then. And he'll be as surprised as myself to
find the Duke of Wellington here before him when he
arrives.
DANNUX
What makes you be in bed at this hour of the day? Is
it the way that you're sick?
PATCHA
Not in the body, thank God, but in the mind and
heart.
DANNUX
And why don't you get up and dress yourself, and
go for a good long country walk?
PATCHA
I can't.
DANNUX
Why?
PATCHA
Sit down and I'll tell you.
(Dannux sits on a chair)
Last night as I was goin' to sleep, a knock came to the
door, and when I said: "Who's there?" a voice
answered back and said: "Boulanger." "Come in,"
says I. And lo and behold, who should walk in the
door but Nedsers Brophy, himself. And of course,
he had the usual poor mouth. He couldn't get a job
in the town because he is such a poor mechanic no one
would be bothered with him.
DANNUX
I'm not surprised at it. Sure he was never more than
a botch at his best.
PATCHA
Well, he said, he hadn't a penny in his pocket, or the
price of a night's lodgin'; so I invited him to sleep
with me in this bit of a bed. And of course, he accepted.
The same man never refused anythin' he
could get for nothin' in his life.
DANNUX
I know him of old, the good-for-nothin' humbug.
PATCHA
The bed as you can see isn't very large, so when he
turned in the middle of the night, I fell out on the
floor, and when I turned he fell out. And there we
were, fallin' in and fallin' out like two drunken sailors
all night long. And when mornin' came, every bone
in my body was as sore as a carbuncle.
DANNUX
And sure 'tis myself that didn't close an eye or stretch
my limbs upon a bed at all last night, or eat a bit for
two long days, but kept walkin' the roads until I
struck this town at daybreak.
PATCHA
God help us all!
DANNUX
And where's Boulanger now, might I ask?
PATCHA
He's gone out on a little message for me. He should
be here any minute.
DANNUX
I suppose there's no use askin' you for that one pound
two and sixpence that you borrowed from my brother,
Lord Pebble, some time ago. I'm after gettin' a job
from the parish priest to set a range in his kitchen,
but I haven't either a trowel or a hammer, and unless
I can raise the price of them, I'll lose the contract.
PATCHA
And when will you get paid?
DANNUX
The instant the job is finished.
PATCHA
How much will the tools cost?
DANNUX
Three shillin's, at least.
PATCHA
I don't know if I could spare that amount, but I
might be able to give you a shillin' when Boulanger
comes back.
DANNUX
Was it to the pawnshop you sent him?
PATCHA
'Twas indeed, then. And with the only suit of clothes
I had too. We were both dead broke, and my landlady
stopped the grub yesterday mornin', And I
haven't broken my fast since. So here I am now without
a bit in the world but the shirt on my back.
DANNUX
The birds of the air or the fish in the sea couldn't be
worse off, themselves. Why didn't you make Boulanger
stay in bed and pawn his clothes instead of
your own, you fool?
PATCHA
That would be the devil's own strange way to entertain
your guest, wouldn't it?
DANNUX
That's the queerest story I ever heard.
PATCHA
Sure we must get a bit to eat somehow. 'Tis famished
I am with the hunger, as it is.
[Brophy staggers into the room slightly intoxicated.]
NEDSERS
(putting out his hand to Dannux)
Well, well, well! How's my old pal Wellington?
Who'd ever think of finding you here!
(As they shake hands)
There are no friends like the old ones. The
world is a small place after all. Twas in Cork we
met the last time and in Fermoy before that.
DANNUX
'Pon my word but I believe you're right.
PATCHA
(excitedly, to Nedsers)
Where's the food I sent you for?
NEDSERS
(staggers to the side of the bed and sits down)
Wait and I'll tell you what happened to me. All I
got on your old suit of clothes was five shillin's, and
if you don't believe me look at the ticket. (Hands
ticket) Well, I went into a pub to get a drop of grog,
and asked for a half shot of the best, put the five bob
on the counter, got my drink, put the change in my
pocket, and lo and behold, when I went to look for it
again, I couldn't find a trace of it high or low. Only
for that I'd have brought you somethin' to eat.
There's no use cryin' over spilt milk, is there, Dannux?
Wellington, I should have said. Well, how are you,
anyway? 'Tis a long time since we worked together.
Isn't it?
PATCHA
(catching him by the back of the neck)
Glory be to the Lord! Is it the way you are takin'
leave of your senses? There's my only suit of clothes
in pawn, and the money you raised on them gone, and
you here with your belly full of dirty drink, and I with
my belly empty and my guts rattlin' in want of food.
'Tis you that should feel ashamed of yourself to have
me in such a condition and all on your account too.
NEDSERS
What should I feel ashamed about? Didn't I do my
best? Blame the bla'gard who stole the money out
of my pocket. What old talk you have. Didn't I
disgrace myself by goin' into a pawnshop for you?
PATCHA
What am I to do at all!
DANNUX
'Tis a bad way to be in, surely. But I think I can
see a way out of the difficulty.
NEDSERS
Good old Wellington! Good old Wellington! That's
what your namesake said before he put the comether
on Napoleon. What say, Patcha?
PATCHA
Don't be botherin' me. I'm more than disgusted with
you.
DANNUX
Now, there must be no quarrelin'. We are all friends
and we must stand by, and help each other, because
there is only the loan of ourselves in the world. I
have a job to go to, but I have no tools to work with.
And I haven't a bit on my person that would be taken
in the pawn, so I propose that Boulanger will give
me his boots and that I will pawn them, and buy the
tools I want. Then I will go to work, and when the
job, which will only take me a few hours, is finished,
I'll share the one pound one that his reverence said
he'd give me. And as he said himself, 'twas little
enough, but as times were bad he couldn't afford
any more.
PATCHA
'Twas the Lord Himself that sent you in the door to
us!
NEDSERS
Nothin' could be fairer. But look at my old boots, you
wouldn't get a lump of candy from a rag man for
them.
PATCHA
But why not give him your coat and vest? You'd
easily get eight or nine shillin's on them and that
much would buy the tools and get us all a bite to eat
as well.
NEDSERS
(taking off his coat and vest)
Enough said! Enough said!
DANNUX
(as he wraps them up in an old newspaper)
I wouldn't be surprised if I'd get ten shillin's on them.
And sure they can be released again as soon as I get
paid for the job.
NEDSERS
That's right, that's the way I like to hear a man talkin'.
DANNUX
(as he takes the laces from Patcha's boots lying
near the bed, and ties up the parcel)
What else are we here for, but to be a help and a comfort
to each other? Sure 'tis by each other we live.
(Places the parcel under his arm, puts on his hat and
walks towards the door. Looks from one to the other)
Good-by, Napoleon--Good-by, Boulanger. May God
bless you both.
PATCHA
What's that I hear? Aren't you comin' back with the
money and the bit to eat for us?
DANNUX
Of course I am. I only mean good-by for the time
I'll be away.
[Exit Dannux. After he has gone Nedsers looks soberly at Patcha.]
NEDSERS
Only for the time he'll be away!
PATCHA
What's the matter with you, at all?
NEDSERS
I think I did a foolish thing.
PATCHA
What's that you're sayin', I say?
NEDSERS
I did a foolish thing! I know I did. But that's just
like me. I brought my dacent impulses from my
mother. God forgive her!
PATCHA
Is it the way you are afraid he won't return?
NEDSERS
I'm sure of it. I know he'll never return. He's the
biggest bloody liar in the whole country and the
biggest rogue too.
PATCHA
(as he jumps out of bed with the blanket around him)
The saints and angels protect us all! Sure I forgot
that the parish priest is away in England on his vacation.
And we are to be flung out on the roadside
to-morrow, and in our shirts too!
CURTAIN.
[The end]
Seumas O'Brien's play: Retribution: A Comedy In One Act
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