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A short story by George Ade |
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Two Philanthropic Sons |
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Title: Two Philanthropic Sons Author: George Ade [More Titles by Ade] Two Boys sallied forth from a straggling Village in search of an irrational Female known as Dame Fortune. It was a sad Jolt to the Walking Vegetables back in the Stockade when they heard, on Good Authority, that Ezra and Bill were slamming it over the Plate and batting above .400. They simply wagged the ossified Domes and hoped the Boys were getting it Honestly. Ezra and Bill, up among the inflammatory Posters and the nervous Electric Signs, kept on playing Tag with the Sherman Act until they had it in Oodles and Bundles and Bales and Stacks. Finally when they became so prosperous that they had to wear Shoes specially made, with Holes in the top, they began to be troubled with Tender Recollections of Humble Birthplace. Through the Haze of Intervening Years they saw the Game of Two-Old-Cat in the Vacant Lot back of the M. E. Church and forgot all about sleeping in the refrigerated Attic and going down in the morning to thaw out the Wooden Pump. They yearned to elbow out from the Congested Traffic of the cold and heartless City and renew Sweet Associations. They wanted to wander once more down the Avenues of Rhubarb and clasp hands with Old Friends whose simple Hearts averaged about 14 Throbs to the Minute. It is the regulation Dream of every Financial Yeggman to go back to his Old Town wearing a Laurel Wreath and have the School Children throw Moss Roses in his Pathway. So Ezra sent on a Proposition. He wanted to build a Library at the corner of Fifth and Main, thereby making it easy for his old Neighbors to read the Six Best Sellers without plugging the Author's Game. He offered to give 20,000 Bucks if the Citizens would raise 5,000 more and maintain the Thing. Ezra had not been in the Habit of reading anything except the Tape and he cared about as much for George Bernard Shaw as George Bernard Shaw cared for him. Nevertheless, he wanted to be remembered, 50 Years hence, as the Man who built the Library and not as the guy who dealt from the Bottom of the Deck, utilizing the Sleeve Device and the Bosom Hold-Out. By the use of Anaesthetics and Forceps the 5,000 was secured. Then the Building was erected and the only Criticism made was that the Location was poor and the dod-blasted Concern looked like a Barn and it was arranged wrong inside and nobody didn't want no Library nohow. When Ezra came down to the Dedication to face an outraged and tax- burdened People, he was just as popular as Tonsilitis or Sciatica ever dared to be. Bill came back also. He floated into Town one day and appeared in Jimison's General Store and called for a Good Cigar. He told Mr. Jimison to take one and called up the Boys around the Stove. When the Word got out that Bill was Buying over at the Bee Hive, representative Citizens came on the Jump from the Harness Shop and the Undertaking Parlor and the Elite Bowling Alley. Every Man that showed up got a Lottie Lee with a Band around it, and when Bill left on the 3:40 a Mob followed him to the Train. Ever after that the Word was freely passed around that Bill was a Prince. MORAL: In scattering Seeds of Kindness, do it by Hand and not by Machinery. [The end] GO TO TOP OF SCREEN |